We met with Dr. King and Tami, the case manager, yesterday to go over the autopsy results. He was very compassionate and nice. As is often the case, there was no definitive reason that he could say why Abigail died. They didn't find any formula or anything like that in her lungs, so she didn't aspirate. Most likely, something from her stomach (or some other reason) caused her larynx to spasm and constrict. He used the terms "a silent struggle," which didn't make me feel too good. But, he confirmed that there was nothing that we could have done differently or could have predicted. He also said it was possible her heart had some sort of rhythm problem, then stopped. It could have just showed up for no reason. He said this was unlikely, since she had been on heart monitors for 5 months with no sign of this. We thanked him for coming to the memorial service. He said it was important for him to come, since in the beginning he was so pessimistic, and Abigail continually proved him wrong.
Basically, it was a fluke thing, a human tragedy.
We also stopped by the PICU to say hi to some of the nurses, so that was cool. We saw Bonnie and some other very special people. It was weird to be back there, but not too bad. Looking back at the pictures and thinking about everything that happened, we were so naive. Death was always around us, yet we didn't see it like that. Abby was our daughter. Yes, she had tons of tubes and wires, and everything else, but we saw past all that stuff. In a way, it was good that she was our first child. We didn't know kids could be any other way.
We went to a grief counseling support group last night for parents of babies who have died in infancy, still born, or miscarried. I think it was very helpful. We will continue to go. There were all types of people there. I could really find similarities in the different things that they all said, about their ordeals, their emotions, etc. One couple said they knew about Abigail because they worked in the Legacy Health System. Apparently, they send out emails when they have success stories and their patients are on the news. So that was cool.